THE American Defender

Last week at work I had to attend a safety session and I chose "Personal Safety." As part of the session I received an American Defender. That's right,THE American Defender Personal Safety Whistle.


As if all the jokes that come out of the name weren't enough (think - so that's how Bush pushes other countries around - duh!), included in the THE American Defender Personal Safety Whistle package were instructions: "How to use YOUR American Defender Personal Safety Whistle." Check some of these out, I have the instructions verbatim:

If you're accosted on the street:
1. Blow the whistle (because why dial 911 one from your cell if you've got a whistle - much more fun!)
2. Call the police as soon as possible.

If you fear trouble on the street:
1. Run toward the middle of the street (because getting run over is far better than getting mugged)
2. Blow your whistle.
3. Call the police.

If you see trouble from your home: (This one is the best)
1. Call the police. State address and nature of trouble.
2. Open a window and blow the whistle. (I'm not kidding, it really says this)
3. As other whistles blow, go outside, and - keeping a safe distance - continue blowing.

This last one kills me. Can you just picture people throwing open window after window as the alarm is sounded, blowing their hearts out? As if that weren't enough, then they follow the perpetrator all the while continuing to blow their whistles!

I'm all about safety. Really. And just to prove it - if you get into trouble, just call me....because I am YOUR American Defender. I am tough. I am vicious. AND I HAVE A WHISTLE!!!!